"Dealing With Death" - Congregation's Response


The following statements were written by members of the congregation after the sermon on March 4. The responses are listed by age group.

Age Group: Under 25

My views on death (dealing with it) are too complicated to put on paper, and I share my views with select few people (mostly the people I’m close to).  And frankly, death kinda scares me. 

I hope there is some sort of reincarnation because death seems scary, almost incomprehensible.  Just a cold black nothingness, no thoughts, no dreams, nothing. Maybe when I get much older, death won’t seem so scary, but right now I just want to live as long as possible.  As the bell now is tolled [during the worship service, for those who have died in Iraq]  I think of all the people whose lives have been cut short, who will never again be able to see, smell, taste, and touch this earth.

I am just going to ignore it and live life to the fullest while I can.

Age Group: 26-40

How do you look into the eyes of a 3 year-old boy and a 5 year-old girl and tell them that their 41 year-old father died of a heart attack?  How do you make sense of something so sudden and so tragic?  On the way out of the church, what do you say to the beautiful young wife or to the parents who have out-lived a child?  How do you look at the pictures of these people, your friends and confidants, and not weep every time?  Will God ever reveal to me the reason that you were taken away from us so soon?

I fear the “before” and look forward to the “after.”

The only things I have ever thought about with regards to my death are as follows: I want to be cremated, not buried.  I want to go after my mother, and I wonder who attended the funeral.

After trying to think about it, I cannot say death is in my thoughts, so I do not know how I would deal with it.

I think that until you’re older, say over 60 years old, that it is hard to prepare for death.  At a young age, many of us don’t see it coming and therefore it’s not something we think about or feel we need to prepare for.  I’ve only prepared for it recently since having children, since they will need to be taken care of with or without me.  And by preparing, all I’ve done is to buy life insurance.

To die with a purpose of completing or fulfilling what was important to me.

At this time I don’t see death coming soon, but you never know.  I prepare by talking with my spouse, making a will, ensuring financial stability for my family, making preparations for the care of my future, and trying to remember to enjoy the days I have. Even though I hope for many, many more years, I feel it’s always good to plan for just in case.  I don’t really know what will happen after death, but my hope is to be reunited with family and friends that have gone before me.

Death terrifies me because I don’t yet feel like my children are ready to face the world without me.  And even worse is the fear that they’ll grow up feeling they never really knew me or how my world rose and fell on their smiles.

What comes before death? What comes after death? How do I plan on preparing for death? After a great deal of procrastination, my husband and I recently prepared a will and living will as well as made arrangements for our children. I was surprised at the sense of relief that I felt in accomplishing this task.  This is one way I have prepared for death.  Another way I prepare for death is to live as responsible a life as possible so as not to burden my loved ones with unpaid bills, missing paperwork etc. If my life ends suddenly, I feel like I have done the most important prep work. I hope that I am able to be filled with appreciation and gratitude for my life at the time I prepare for the final stages of life.  Being hopeful and accepting is also really important to me. Making sure that people in my life know how important they are and how grateful I am for them being in my life will also be important. I hope to be open with my emotions and to talk openly about how I view death as it approaches.

Age Group: 41-55

We are born, we live, we die!  Is our present life an extension of a previous life? After our death will we “come back” in some form?  Life’s continuum considered as a part of the earth’s existence is a daunting thought-dilemma.  I do not fear my death. I float between [the thought that] what I do in my life is most important and the reality (?) that my life is of no consequence. My only consolation in life is the potential for positively affecting others – making others feel better about their lives.  In what ways may I be aware of and assist others?  That is enough to give meaning. After I die, others will need to take over!

I’m not afraid to think about death, especially after my husband died (an event that changed my perspective on death forever). Because my husband communicated with me (symbolically) after he died, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death.  Unless someone dies a long painful death, it seems that living is more difficult and challenging than dying.

I don’t want to die, partly because most days I like being alive and partly because I don’t know (and am anxious about) what if anything comes next.  But my concern is more about how people who depend on me will fair if I die first.

I often think about what will be said at my funeral. Will I have made a difference in the world?  Did I inspire anyone to fulfill their life in some way?  Was I a good parent?

I prepare for death by trying to live a Christian life daily.  I try to live by the Golden Rule.  In looking toward the day that I die, I note the deaths in my life along the way.  My sister just lost her cat and was angry with her family from whom she had not received any acknowledgment or support.  I didn’t know he had passed.  As my children grow, I mourn the loss of my relationship with them and work to build a new relationship with the stranger in my house (spelled teenager).

Sometimes life’s struggles seem so painful that I long for death and contemplate it more than I ever have.  Remembering my children and my other blessings, including God’s creation, brings back the joy of living.

I have to say, I think about death and dying nearly every day, perhaps because I’m so close to it from an occupational point of view.  When I was 22, I volunteered at a hospice (Sundays 9-1!) for a year.  I remember sitting with a woman as she died, the first time I ever saw a person die. I’ve been with people as they die and been present at a baby’s birth in the same day more than once.  It never ceases to amaze, confound, be mysterious, seem pointless, seem wondrous, all at once.  I try not to intellectualize it, just to experience the emotions of it all.

I do not fear death.  I accept it as the portal to the next level to my spiritual being. I also accept that I am a small part of “the big picture.” But I do play a role in it and I accept that role as God’s will for me.

I hope that there is a better place we go to, to oversee the loved ones we left behind. A place where I am still me, knowing who I am, so I can continue to see my family grow.

The thought of my own death doesn’t make me afraid.  I look forward to the peace and knowledge that I believe comes with it.  I do want to live long enough to see my children reach milestones … hopefully I won’t experience the feeling of missing them.  My worry about death really centers around them and if they will be ready to be without me.

I want to redeem myself before I die – do something selfless.  I’ve changed my thoughts about death as I experience more in life. Death can be a welcome release from difficulties life presents.

I can’t say I’m sure how I’m preparing for my death. But I think it’s connected to how I deal with the deaths of people around me, particularly those I’m closest to.  Ultimately, it must be some form of acceptance that comes from all the struggle.

I look forward to leave this body and joining the everlasting community of souls.

Happy, healthy, dead. That’s how I’d like to go. ☺  Like birth, death is a beginning of a new life.  While I am not afraid of death, I know many are and I wish they weren’t.  As I understand it now, some of what we experience after death is determined by what we expect to happen.  I hope there will be more joy and fond memories at my funeral than sorrow. I wish people will wear white and not be so sad at the loss of my presence in their lives, but rejoice in my life that was, for the good that came from my presence and for the potential it has in the future.

I have so much to do before I die.

Death can be a blessing and woe at the same time. We live our lives as if we were to die soon and live our lives in Christ.

There is a time for everything, a time to live, and time to die. The confound is that we are not always in sync with God’s timing. We mourn for someone “cut down” too early and worry about others who seem to linger beyond their time in pain.

I plan to deal with death with full rejoice. Am ready now.

I was hoping to get out alive. Since this is not an option, I try to make my spouse happier.

I intend to try to deal with it in my own terms and hope to find myself in a situation where I can.

I don’t think about it.  Enjoy life while you have it.

Thank you for your sermon this morning. It reminded me of a fable from India, where many starfish washed up on the beach.  The story goes that a young man spent much time throwing beached starfish back into the ocean.  A friend asked him why he was picking up the starfish in his hand, there were millions of such fish.  So what did the thrower’s efforts matter? To which the first young man replied, “It matters to this one.”  I don’t know why this came to mind, but I seemed a response.

I have already planned my funeral.  I will be cremated and my ashes will be spread over the bluffs (Block Island, RI).  I want to have a big celebration and party with lots of music playing.  My friends will be laughing when they share memories. I also believe in reincarnation of the soul. I will be put in another body and will learn life’s lessons. I will face death with a fulfilled life and will have courage to move forward.

I live a fear-based life – maybe from an overprotected childhood?  So I don’t fear death per se; just pain.  I’m most fearful of that.  I’m hopeful that death will resemble those portrayed on some TV shows and movies, where, standing in the light to guide me over will be Mom, Dad, and other family members, including pets.  Even with anxiety, though, I love life – this earth and all that’s in it.  So I hope not to leave it anytime soon.

1) Legal affairs in order. 2) Spend ordinary time with people I love. 3) Clean the house  4) Make sure there is plenty of food in the house. 5) Keep a journal of my thoughts.

Right now, I fear death because I feel I haven’t lived enough.  I still want to have the sensory experiences.  I wonder how I’ll feel after death. I hope I’ll meet God and will understand more about life (i.e. have difficult questions answered like why does physical/sexual abuse happen to innocent children). For some reason, I equate death with increased knowledge and understanding.  If that’s not what happens I’ll be angry and likely disappointed, but maybe what I’ll experience will surpass anything I can imagine.

In Tolkein’s Middle Earth, death was a gift that was given to men and not to other beings.  I worry more about what happens to those who are left behind than what happens to me.  I feel comfortable that my “life force” will be passed on to someone else.

I’m ready for death at any time. My soul is tired, but I will stay here as long as needed. My faith has helped me to know that everything is working perfectly as it should, so I believe my death will happen as it should and how I wish it.


Ages 56-70

Death is the last part of the journey of living. The hardest part is saying goodbye to your loved ones, if you have that chance. It is also the step that gives peace once it is done. I hope I have this chance when my death approaches, but not so much time that I become a burden.

As I age and become increasingly infirm, I am more aware of how often death is a friend. I will probably never reconcile myself to the death of beloved associates like Jon Higgins and Doris Hallie. But over the past decade one of the most feared forms of dying—after prolonged debilitation from cancers—has changed markedly. So many sufferers now have a reasonably good quality of life until very close to the end. In the meantime, there are opportunities for gratitude, reconciliation, etc.

Having lived through my parents, brother and wife’s death, all of which were very difficult to varying degrees, I have experienced many emotions and saw the different ways they dealt with their coming death. One ended peacefully, with a belief in passing to the next level. One ended with denial, fighting all the way. One had no cognitive awareness of his coming death. And one was so sure of the next life that she went when she was ready. All these have taught me that faith is my rock. And they have taught me to both enjoy every day I have here on earth and to strive every day to make the world and lives of those around me a little better. I don’t know what is next, but through faith and the example given by those who went before, I pray for whatever it is God’s will has set before me. And meanwhile, I will strive to continue as a contributor to the good of the world.

I am very thankful for my full life, and I am ready to die as soon as it comes.  I pray it will not be more painful than part of my life and that God will pick me up and hold me close in His arms.

I believe that death is not the end and that we will see and be with God, as those that have gone before. I also hope that I will have that peace at the end that I have lived a good life with great memories.

For someone close to me who died a year ago, he had fought his illness with everything he had, but at the end, he told us he was ready to die and wanted the suffering to be over. We did not want him to die and still miss him. Death relieves us of the pain of existence. At the same time, we can rejoice and be thankful that we have had the gift of life and the many joys therein. Whatever happens when we die, we have had the gift of life. (Perhaps we should be grateful for death also.)

I have just received my Medicare card, which looks identical to the ones my parents and relatives for whom I cared had. Although I willfully cared for them, I am concerned about how my aging will impact my children. I try to remain as healthy as possible to lighten the burden so they’ll remember me fondly.

Wordsworth’s Intimations of Immortality says it for me—I’ve always “been” and “will be.” I’m not scared of death, just “getting there.”

I hope for active engagement—at least mentally—in life until death. Death can be seen as a rest, a relinquishing of responsibility, obligation. I hope, in this sense, I will welcome it. But as I write, I’m still thinking how much I love being alive! I hope to live a long time!

As I have become a “seasoned” citizen, I think of death quite differently than when I was younger. I now understand my feelings have gone from complete grief to sadness at my loss for the friends and family I have lost, except for my memories of them and “us.”

Whatever the circumstances, I hope to believe that I made some positive difference to someone at sometime.

I have a difficult time imagining and accepting that someday I will stop living as I am doing right now. A few weeks ago, a childhood friend was killed in an automobile accident. This reminded me that my own life, even at my young age, can end suddenly. My response to my friend’s death is that she was robbed without warning. Her family was robbed. Her plans and theirs for the days and months ahead have been altered without their consent. What will happen to all her possessions? How will her husband deal with this rupture in his life? I’m starting to think of what my sister will do if I go before them. I have so much stuff. I’m not ready yet. This trip is coming up, and I’m not even close to being packed for it!

Before death: vision of what is to come. Even in sudden accidents, I believe people are aware that death is imminent. I welcome death. I have been blessed with a rich earthly life. I am blessed that God uses me on earth to let my “little” light shine. I feel I have been guided on Earth to prepare for life everlasting. Thank you for this experience.

I hope I feel braver about facing death when my time comes than I feel about it now. The fact that I’ve had 2 good friends die in the past year has brought me face-to-face with my own mortality. It scares me to know the end-of-the-road is out there, not too far ahead.

I wonder who will be there to help me when I’m getting ready to die. What personal care or bodily function will I need help with? I plan/hope to have my possessions disposed of ahead of time.

Death is the final end of life. There is no afterlife. Therefore, make the most you can of this life, be good and kind to others and yourself, engage in meaningful work, have love in your life, stay as healthy as you can and hope to end life with acceptance of your faith (Freudian slip—I think I meant “fate.” Perhaps my unconscious thoughts differ from what I just wrote.) and genuine hope for good fortune for those you leave behind on earth. Do not try to delude yourself that death is not final.

I hope to live my life to the fullest and continue to worship God and hope that I will die with as little pain as possible.

Ages 71 or over

First of all—my money outlasts me. I feel ready but apprehensive, really wish to be reasonably healthy, not completely incapacitated, not fearful.

There are times when I am glad my years are numbered. The high inflation rates, people in too much hurry to appreciate what they do have. I think I lived in the best of times even though we never had much money.

I don’t dwell on my death for it will happen whenever. I just want good health in order to enjoy the rest of my life to its fullest.

I was afraid of death, but with age it does not scare me anymore. Yes, I do want a fast ending, not a long illness.

I’d like to hear more about how Christians have faced death—in your experience. I have been thinking about death a great deal as I have gotten older. What will it be like in heaven; hell is too grim to think of. How will I handle it? I will have no control over it, and that is something that is scary only because it is a great unknown. A belief in Christ seems to me the only assurance to hang onto.

Since my bike accident, I have felt I was living on “borrowed time,” and I feel no fear of death (at this time anyway). I, too, hope that I will go quickly especially so that I won’t be a burden on any one. I guess that at death I have no fear of the future (and I guess no hope for it either). On the other side, my concern is for being there for others during the whole time that they are facing death.

My thoughts about death center around hope and dread: I hope for another good 15 years. I hope to gracefully accept death when it comes. I hope to be reunited with my mother, father, other loved ones. I dread paring down my life. I dread losing my health, home, husband. I dread being a heavy burden to my children. I dread leaving this beautiful world. I hope I will welcome death when the time comes.

Death—I won’t rush it. I had a good life.

I prepare for death by trying to do as much in life as I am able to. Instead of saving life, I like to think I am spending it. Spending it on what? Largely on the things that I can do well. Someday I shall probably not feel as active as I feel now. Then my determination of what I can do well will change and probably become more traditionally oriented towards serving others in the same condition and situation.

I am more concerned about the effect my death will have on my family members (wife and children) than on me. After all, I won’t be here and won’t have to deal with the aftermath of my death. I don’t want to die soon (there are things I want to do before I die) and I’m enjoying life now. But being so aware of the inevitability of death, I don’t fear it. (After all, it will come to everyone).

As an octogenarian, I feel I’ve had a good life—people and God have loved me and I have loved them as well. I believe death will bring unbelievable peace and a total immersion in love.

You never know when death will strike. You hope it will not be too painful.

After dealing with the prolonged illness and death of my husband, I only hope that my children don’t have to go through that. I feel that when my time comes, I will welcome it as a new beginning and pray that my family will be able to celebrate my life instead of mourning my death.

I am ready to go if that is fated, but I’m not in a hurry to do so. I worry that my children will not stay close.



 
First Church of Christ, Congregational
United Church of Christ
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Middletown, CT
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