"Guilt - What Is It Good For?"

Sermon preached by John C. Hall on June 1, 2008

Text — Matt 7:15-23

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.  16 You will know them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles?  17 In the same way, every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit.  18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.  19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  20 Thus you will know them by their fruits.
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.  22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many deeds of power in your name?’  23 Then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; go away from me, you evildoers.’

Guilt is a familiar topic in church life, because guilt and religion are tangled up together. I like Woody Allen’s comedy because he plays on Jewish guilt, which is famous, and which he considers a form of neurosis. A lot of guilt is neurosis.

I’m going to ask you a question but I won’t ask you to answer out loud or raise your hand — I don’t want to make you feel guilty. Would the world be better without guilt? Or, to put the questions in another, more dramatic way: Would the world be better if no one used a toilet, but just defecated wherever they felt like it – in their pants, or on the floor, or the sidewalk?

I use that crude example because toilet training is where we first learn guilt. We learn it when our mother’s (usually) or father’s unconditional love starts to take on some conditions. “No, if you want to make Mommy happy, and if you want to be a good little boy, or a good little girl, you use the toilet.”

The child quickly internalizes that message.  Soon, the child wants to use the toilet, and feels proud for using the toilet.  It becomes a personal value, and this makes life more pleasant for everyone.

Without a capacity for guilt, we couldn’t get people to follow the rules voluntarily. It would be a world of egocentric psychopaths.

But, there’s a downside to guilt. Our capacity for guilt makes it tempting for some people to manipulate other people by inflaming their guilt. Because children are so dependent on their parents for survival, their parents’ disapproval can be very threatening and damaging. Parents have their own unfulfilled longings and damaged egos, because they were children once. So parents project onto their children hopes and expectations and conditions … some of which the children can fulfill, and some of which the children can’t possibly fulfill.

What if a parents says, in effect, to a 7 year old child (and some parents do convey this), “I’m unhappy — not just with something you did.  I’m unhappy with my life.  And it’s your fault. Why can’t you be better?  Why can’t you be more grown up? Why can’t you be like your older sister? Why are you so selfish? If you were different, I would be happy. But I’m not happy, and it’s all because of you.”

There’s a difference between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt, feeling guilt for being who we are, or just being human with the limitations all humans have.

Church leaders, clergy, have used guilt as a tool of manipulation. I know that’s not news to you, but you won’t hear a lot of clergy say this. The church’s message is God’s mercy and forgiveness. That’s what we’re supposed to preach. That’s the product we offer.

Imagine a bunch of clergy sitting around thinking, “How can we get people to hear that message and buy that product — God’s forgiveness? We need to make people more conscious of their guilt. We need them to admit their guilt. Or, if we really want their attention, let’s inflame their guilt. Tap their irrational guilt. Lay on them more guilt — just for being human. Convince them they’re hopeless sinners, from birth. Then they’ll need forgiveness more.

I don’t know that any group of ministers who ever sat around and talked this way, or even admitted they thought this way, but it’s easy to see some version of this caricature operating in the background. And of course, the easiest way to convince everyone that they’re sinners is to connect sin with sexual feelings, because everyone has those. How could the church get the attention of teenage boys? Let’s see.  Let’s convince them that masturbation is a mortal sin. That will cast the widest net possible. Then they’ll really need forgiveness. It’s kind of like a bunch of doctors beating up their patients so they can charge them for treating their wounds.

People should feel and fear some guilt. You can’t have social order without it. But when we get expectations laid on us that we can’t possibly meet, when the expectations are unrealistic, and when we internalize those expectations, when we make them our own expectations of ourselves, to be perfect, or never to have any needs of our own, it’s a recipe for misery.

Some people spend a lot of time helping others, but they still feel guilty. Why? Because they can’t help everyone. That’s irrational guilt. Children feel guilty for being different than their parents wanted them to be. What could be more tragic than feeling guilty for who you are?

But we do feel guilty for being who we are, and we need to get beyond that kind of guilt. Thank God for therapists. Therapists help us interpret our guilt, and sort it out, and get beyond it.

We are complex creatures.  We are full of contradictions. We’re vulnerable. We’re hungry for approval. We also have things we want to do, regardless of what other people want us to do. Our lives are full of dilemmas. 

Most of us carry around more guilt than we deserve — guilt for being who we are, or guilt for failing to measure up to someone else’s expectations. Every one of us has a story along these lines.

The church’s true mission is to help us get beyond the guilt we don’t deserve, and the guilt we do deserve. We all need God’s mercy.  We need healing from our guilt, whether it’s rational or irrational. We need to practice accepting that mercy and healing. We have a hard time accepting it because we feel too guilty to accept it.

One way we practice this acceptance is by receiving the sacrament of Christ’s mercy toward us, the Lord’s Supper. Think of that when we practice the sacrament today. Think of the whole ceremony as the celebration, the reenactment, the outward physical sign, of the inner spiritual truth of God’s mercy and compassion for you.