"Be Angry, But Do Not Sin"

Sermon preached by John C. Hall on August 9, 2009

Ephesians 4:25- 5:2

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Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not make room for the devil. (Ephesians 4:2).

This verse takes me back to the 1970s, the “me” decade.  The 70s were also memorable  for some hideous clothes and very bad haircuts.  Think of long sideburns and leisure suits. It was also a time when self-improvement became fashionable. We had TM. We had EST. I think the magazine SELF started up then.  Bookstores created the “self help” section and put it near the cash register. And we had encounter groups.  These were a big hit for people going into the ministry.

As part of a clinical training program, I was in an encounter group that met every week for almost a whole academic year. Toward the end of the year, about 4 separate encounter groups gathered for a special weekend retreat.  This was our “Anger Weekend” — something we could look forward to. This was the sort of emotional adventure young adults relished in the 70s.

When “Anger Weekend” arrived, we met all day Saturday, and all day Sunday, at Portia Bower’s farmhouse in the country — about 40 people total, all drinking lots of fluids and sharing 2 bathrooms. The toilets flushed continuously for 2 days.  My heart went out to the poor septic system. I expected the backyard to cave in any moment.

The participants were from the Divinity School, the School of Nursing, and included some military chaplains. The purpose was to help us learn how to express anger and how to deal with other people’s anger — in a caring way, of course.

First, on Saturday morning after loading up on caffeine, we stood outside on the lawn in a big group. The first exercise was to walk around and look angry, with angry body language and angry faces. Then we put our hands in our pockets and bumped into each other, while we thought angry thoughts. This was to “prime the pump” — to be aware of anger.

Then we broke into small groups to talk about any anger we felt, real anger, toward anyone or anything, including each other. By the way, this isn’t something you should try at home.  It’s not a good idea for a family picnic or an office picnic. This was a very controlled, supervised environment. We’d had almost a whole year to get ready for this.  It wasn’t as crazy as it sounds.

Some people got into this right away, exaggerating our anger at first to get into the spirit, but then discovering subtle or not so subtle angry feelings. It felt like acting, at first, but then it got more real. 

Some people couldn’t dredge up any anger at all. They couldn’t even pretend to be angry. And for those people — here’s where the fun really began — our job for rest of us was to provoke them, push them, and irritate them. This was done in love, of course, to give them the gift of feeling angry. This went on from 9 in the morning until 9 at night, for 2 days.

It sounds like a nightmare, or very self-indulgent, or dangerous, I remember very clearly — at the end of that weekend, I felt exhilarated. I felt as if I’d been walking around for my whole life wearing emotional armor, like a knight’s armor, to keep my anger unconscious, even to me, let alone express it. I was raised in a family where anger was kind of taboo.  Whenever there was a little breakout of anger, it was quickly stuffed and smoothed over. Being angry was not nice. That’s not the worst thing in the world. I’d say I had a happy childhood. .

But after Anger Weekend, I felt that my emotional armor had big holes blown open. I felt light.  I felt liberated. I felt emotionally more authentic. More honest, with myself. And that felt truly wonderful and actually healing.

I know this whole story is a kind of cliché. But clichés become clichés because they hold some truth.

We are very needy creatures. We don’t always recognize our needs. We don’t always admit our needs. Our social and economic system trains us to be able to ignore our needs. Maturity is being able to delay gratification. But some deep emotional needs are very persistent, and inescapable. These needs don’t always get met. Life and other people, our families, disappoint us, many times.

I see anger is a strategy to deal with disappointment and sadness.  Anger can be very healthy and appropriate. It can be empowering.  It can help you get necessary distance from an emotional wound. Without anger, slavery wouldn’t have been abolished, women wouldn’t have the right vote, and gay marriage wouldn’t be the law in Connecticut.

I remember — again, a long time ago — counseling a guy named Tom (this was at my previous church). Tom was so beaten down emotionally that he could barely speak.  When he did speak, it was all “woe is me.”  His wife didn’t love him and she’d moved out.  She’d always put him down. His boss put him down. But then he’d explain that his wife and boss were justified.  He wasn’t angry at them.  He said, “I’m just a loser.”

I remember thinking: if only he could get angry — at anything— it would be breakthrough.  So our passage says, “Be angry.”  If we’re human, we will feel anger.

But that’s not the last word from the Bible. But after saying “be angry” it says, “but do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

Some people are consumed by unhealthy anger. Some people love feeling angry, because anger is energizing. Anger gets people’s attention, so it can be a way of manipulating, or bullying. Some people get their way in life by throwing tantrums and everyone backs down.

Some people are so “on the lookout” for reasons to be angry that they find reasons everywhere. 

Here’s another story about anger. This happened maybe 10 years ago in the aisle of the Stop and Shop where I ran into a woman who wasn’t a church member but she’d come here a few times, and I knew her slightly. I’ll call her “Alice.”  (You’re going to find this hard to believe.  I find it hard to believe and it happened to me, exactly this way, I swear.)

We met in the middle of the aisle, and I said, “Hi, Alice. How are you?” She said, “Not good.  I just ran into my neighbor Joan Purdam in the other aisle and you know what she said to me?  She said, ‘Congratulations on your new car.’” And I said, “What’s wrong with that? Congratulations on your new car!”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that? Joan Purdam knows very well I didn’t get a NEW car.  I got a used car, And she was rubbing it in, because SHE got a NEW car.”

This is how some people see the world. But there’s a bit of Alice in all of us.  We’re all prone to some over-sensitivity. We see put downs where there may be none. It’s a kind of distorted pride actually –assuming that other people are so focused on our worthiness or unworthiness. They’re a lot more focused on their own worthiness; that’s for sure..

So, putting this all together, some people can’t feel any anger. Other people feel too much. Anger can be like a bad drug. So the passage says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Don’t fall in love with being angry. Anger can also eat you up.

You all know this already. But it’s worth being reminded.

I think this thought when I hear that executives run their companies into bankruptcy and then walk away with million dollar bonuses.

I think of this when I hear about any cruelty, or waste, or unnecessary suffering of any kind, or when things don’t go the way I would like them to go, which is very often. This thought is spiritual bedrock. 

God did not create the world to go the way I would like it to go.  Imagine that. Life isn’t as fair as fair as I think it should be.  People don’t love as much as I think they could love, and should love. 

We are all fallen.  We have limited energy.  We don’t always choose the highest good. Many things do not go the way I would like them to go.  My guess is: they don’t always go the way you would like them to go either. So anger has its place. 

But mercy has a higher place. Jesus on the cross said, “Father, forgive them; they don’t know what they are doing.” That line wasn’t just for Jesus’ crucifiers.  That’s for all of us.

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Let the sun go down on your mercy. Mercy gets the last word. Mercy is the gospel.